Mental Health Awareness Month - Our Journeys

IN OUR OWN WORDS, THE THERAPY JOURNEY

Daicia and Jana are our Mental Health Counselors at CHOOSE 180 and a big part of the reason they chose this work is because of their own stories and experiences with the mental health world.

JANA’S JOURNEY —

I was probably about 18 when I first went to counseling. I remember walking into the building attached to the dorms that housed our college’s small counseling center. I had been experiencing severe depression and anxiety and was in the middle of a very unstable romantic relationship. I was nervous because I’d never been in charge of all my own decisions since I grew up in a fairly strict home and counseling wasn’t something we talked about very much. As soon as I walked into the counseling room and sat across from this older lady, my first counselor, I started to tell her all the ways that I needed my relationship to be fixed. I felt like I just knew I could help my boyfriend if only she (the expert/counselor) would give me some good tips and tools, so things would then be okay and calmer with me not having to worry so much about him. She didn’t tell me how to fix my relationship, instead she patiently and with curiosity, over weeks and months, got into why it was so important to me to heal him so I could be okay. I learned (and have continued to learn since then) that codependency is a deep pattern in my family.

Codependency is defined as “excessive emotional or psychological reliance upon another person.” *If codependency is defined instead as interdependency then it can move from a space of disappearing to only meet the needs of others, or demanding to have our needs met, to a place of recognition of and mutual care. We need one another and community is essential.

It has taken years to realize that things that happened in my family while I was growing up (taking care of others instead of yourself, worrying more about how things look than how you feel, feeling pressure and pretending to be okay to be an example instead of being honest and human, spiritual bypassing/saying everything was fine because of God) had made for really unhealthy coping skills that weren’t serving me anymore. I was told that if I lived an exemplary life that I’d always be “blessed” with good relationships and good endings to painful circumstances. This didn’t turn out to be true, and once again, I realized painfully that I could only work on what I have control over, and that is myself (NOT the other people in my life). I’ve had good therapists, okay/boring/not great therapists, and TERRIBLE therapists in my journey with counseling. Sometimes it can take a lot of work to find a good fit. All that I know is that when I have found a therapist that is attuned to me, has the gift of presence and non-judgmental attention, and brings reflection and some context and containment to my experiences, it is life-changingly good. 

While I was in graduate school some very difficult things were happening in my family that felt like the world was falling apart. I had been in a very dark place with my depression and had been experiencing panic attacks. I was doing the work of school, outside work, relational work in the counseling program, and being the involuntarily “designated” mental health supporter of my family. I was overwhelmed. I made an appointment with an assistant instructor at school who had both seen my academic work and seen me interact in classes and with others. I asked him two questions that I felt terrified to hear the answers to: “do you believe healing is really possible?” and “do you think I can do this work?” He answered without hesitation to both, a resounding: “yes.” 

As a therapist, I want to be one who believes, alongside every participant, that healing is possible, and that it is for them. I want to stand firmly against oppressive structures and to expose the harm in relationships that has been treated as “not a big deal.” It is an incredible treasure to be able to witness the richness of lives as they unfold in their pain and trauma, and also reveal layers of tremendous power, goodness, and resiliency. I am so grateful for this role, and for the ones who allow me into their story. I truly take no day of it for granted, as I know how much it took both of us (myself and each participant) to get here. 

DAICIA’S JOURNEY- 

In my family, and often in a significant percentage of Latino families, we are not always raised to express ourselves in a calm ‘talk it out’ type of way. We turn to religion- we pray, we say things like “be strong, don't cry.” We have this type of mindset as a form of survival, growing up I was always told to be strong in hard times versus learning how to fully feel and process the issue. I was the first of my immediate family to be forced into mental health counseling. This was not a choice of my own and caused me to have a dismissive view of the mental health care system.

My parents made me go see a mental health counselor because they found out that I was using drugs and alcohol. The first one that I saw I really vibed with. He was an ex-firefighter (and so was my father) so the strong discipline style of parenting that he had seen with his firefighting peers was relatable to the stories that I was telling him about my home life. My father did not want to be a part of my counseling and my mother did not like that this counselor was siding with my experience instead of telling me to change my ways. She unenrolled me at this facility and took me to another counselor. 

I hated my new counselor and all I can recall to this day is me being 15 yrs old, sitting in her office and lying or spacing out to whatever conversations that we were having. This same counselor suggested to my parents to send me away to a bootcamp for teenagers in Missouri. I was sent there for 5 months and when I returned I felt even more alone and not able to trust the adults around me to understand what I was feeling. 

TW-suicide: This traumatic and involuntary experience caused me to have a negative outlook on counseling. I realized that I was not going to open up to someone again that wouldn't see my pain; anyone who thinks that I should be punished for how I was expressing my trauma is not someone I could trust. When we are young it is very difficult to put words to the way we are feeling, and harder to share this with others. I wanted to die and would tell myself things like, “ok, make it to _______’s (friend’s) birthday,” “stay alive for your cousin’s birth,” “maybe when you are 18 things won't feel this way.”

I went to school for social work and I rediscovered a new meaning of what mental health embodies. I got into social work because I wanted to give back to my younger self and be an adult in someone's life that truly knew what it was like to be in their position. After I graduated with my masters in social work I didn’t feel like I was ready to practice as a licensed social worker yet even though that's what I knew I eventually wanted to do. I found this expressive arts therapy program that felt like a missing piece to what I thought the future of what mental health should be. Without knowing what expressive arts therapy was I had used music, painting and journaling as a form of healing. 

Learning how to pair this method with therapy completely changed my perspective of what mental health represented and the power that it holds. Being able to watch a young person express themselves through a painting or see their mood change when they put a song they love on is therapeutic for both of us. I want to empower the youth that I work with and I have seen art do this through confidence in what the person creates and the clarity that their pieces bring them when we witness their work.

I am still creating a new narrative of my journey with mental health and processing the harm that it had caused me in the past. I vow to put my all into my clients and treat them in a way that will assist them in forming comprehensive and safe ways to express themselves. Last thing I want to say is- if you are nervous or unsure of starting your own healing journey, don’t let negative past experiences push you away from who you could become. It might take you going through a few counselors and sessions to find the right person for you, but don't let this frustrate you. Loving yourself is the best gift you can give to yourself and I wish you the best <3, thank you for reading this.